Does Your Face Light Up?

by Sami Bradley, MaED.  LIMHP, IMH-E®
Vice President, Early Childhood Mental Health
Nebraska Children and Families Foundation  |  Rooted in Relationships

We spend a lot of time wondering what builds our children’s self-esteem. Is it the praise we give them? Is it the softball rings or the good grades?

While those things are nice, the true foundation of self-worth is actually much quieter. It’s found in our eyes.

Children learn who they are by watching us. Our faces are mirrors. Every time a child looks at their parent, they are asking a silent, vulnerable question: Am I someone you want to be with?

The author Toni Morrison famously challenged parents with this thought:

In the Circle of Security framework, we call this “Delight in Me.” It’s not about what the child is doing; it’s about who they are.

Delight vs. Pride (There’s a difference) It’s easy to be proud of our kids. When they hit a home run or share a toy, we beam with pride. However, pride is usually about performance; it’s about the act of doing.

Delight is deeper. Delight is enjoying them simply because they exist.

If we only celebrate the achievements, children can start to feel like their value is something they have to earn, that they are only “good” when they are winning. We want them to know what Mr. Rogers taught us years ago:

You don’t need a script to do this. You just need to let them catch you enjoying them during the quiet moments, watching them build legos, or just sitting with them on the couch. That look on your face tells them they are enough.

Here is the hard part: It is easy to delight in a happy, smiling child. It is much harder to convey that same value when they are falling apart.

But this is when they need it most.

When a child is having a meltdown or struggling with big feelings, they are often terrified that their “messiness” will drive you away. They worry they are “too much.”

If you can stay present in those moments, if you can offer a hug or a calm presence instead of pushing them away, you are answering that silent question again. You are telling them: I know you are upset. But I’m not going anywhere. You are worth sticking around for, even when it’s hard.

Try to catch a moment where you aren’t teaching, correcting, or praising. Just look at your child until you feel that wave of enjoyment, and let your face show it.

That’s the moment the magic happens. That’s how they learn they are worth it.

-Learn more about Rooted in Relationships and Circle of Security at RootedinRelationships.org